You Might Be Third Trimester If…

20 Feb

Third TrimesterWarning: The situations you’re about to read are real. Third Trimester is not to be taken likely. If you or someone you love experiences any of these symptoms, enact relaxation measures immediately: sit, raise feet, and eat something immediately—preferably chocolate.

You Might Be Third Trimester If…

  • You return home from a night out with friends and touch-up paint the trim of your whole house.
  • Those cute little flutter kicks have evolved into a Alien-movie undulations.
  • Small children are confused that you’re not carrying three babies: one in your belly and one in each enormous breast.
  • You’ve developed an unhealthy hatred for all of your maternity clothes.
  • Your honey-do list is enough to make any sane man run away in terror. Save your marriage. Call a handy man.
  • You find yourself in a dark kitchen at 2:00am eating a granola bar, ala Smeagol.
  • With any required movement, you groan like a creaky old house.
  • Your husband has a hard time finding you among your increasingly elaborate pillow forts.
  • You’re constantly on the verge of peeing your pants.
  • Your friends say, “Oh wow” when you enter the room. And that’s your *friends,* mind you.
  • Your nightmares would make even Stephen King cringe.
  • You accidentally sideswipe walls, corners, furniture, and even people’s heads with your unaccustomed girth.
  • You surprise fellow dogwalkers by suddenly exclaiming, “OW. Uterus!”

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One Response to “You Might Be Third Trimester If…”

  1. Arlene Somerton Smith February 20, 2014 at 6:57 am #

    Ha! I well remember those days. On my due date, I made curtains for all the windows on my main floor. And one of my *friends* saw me and said, “My God, woman. You’re a small building!” Fun times.

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